“The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” or “In Case You Didn’t Know, Aslan IS Jesus” by Matilda Dixon-Smith

Posted on December 18, 2010

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I love Narnia. Let’s face it – who doesn’t want to fall through a cupboard into a magical land and meet a lion who can COME BACK TO LIFE?? Peter Pevensie is also a total babe (if slightly whiny). With this in mind, I was pleased to note when I went to watch the third film instalment, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, that there was a significant number of 20-somethings in the cinema. I felt WAY less sad.

The Dawn Treader and its peeps

So Lucy and Edmund Pevensie are stuck in Cambridge with their awful aunt, uncle and cousin. Life pretty much sucks, and Edmund doesn’t waste much time in informing us of this fact. Example: “Don’t you peeps know who I am? I’m the flipping KING OF NARNIA. I’m EMUND THE DANG-DIGGIDY JUST!!! Get it?? Respect, bitches!” Then there’s this painting which kind of looks ‘Narnian’, and Lucy and Edmund’s stuffy cousin Eustace pulls it off the wall and shakes all the water out and suddenly we’re in Narnia. No jokes people, this all happens in about 10 minutes. Now everyone’s on the Dawn Treader ship with Prince Caspian and that annoying rat from the second film. Only Prince Caspian is King Caspian and totally doesn’t look ANYTHING like Ben Barnes. I spent the whole film poking my mate and being all “That’s totally not Caspian. Why are they all PRETENDING it’s Caspian? Caspian is Ben Barnes – and Ben Barnes looks Italian or something, and doesn’t have a half-ponytail!!” NOTE: It turns out it was Ben Barnes – who has apparently undergone an extreme makeover since the last film.

This is Ben Barnes from "Prince Caspian"...

...Ben Barnes in "Dawn Treader". I KNOW, RIGHT?!?

I digress. So there is this green mist and seven swords and all these islands, and the Dawn Treader peeps have to battle the mist and it’s all very confusing. Edmund spends the whole time being all power-hungry and whiny. Example: “Come on! Now you guys are just being slack!! We’re in Narnia and I’m still not getting any FLIPPING respect! What does a King have to DO? Also, I totes miss the White Witch, that chippie was fun…” Eustace (stuffy cousin) is being all stuffy. Lucy keeps looking into mirrors and crying about how she’s well uglier than Susan and the rat is STILL TALKING and deserves a slap. You may feel ripped off, me not outlining the plot properly, but there isn’t really a plot to outline. Dawn Treader is just one perilous challenge after the next – oh, and the rat is STILL TALKING (and stabbing EVERYTHING).

Why Lucy chooses to wear unflattering parachute pants is COMPLETELY beyond me.

I suppose I enjoyed Dawn Treader. As aforementioned, I do love Narnia. There were consistent LOLs and thrills (good, good). Thank goodness I didn’t see it in 3D – I don’t think the Pevenise’s charms can extend to swords FLYING AT MY FACE. I was super sad see total babe Peter for only about 2 minutes. If I was 10, this movie would be a rollicking good time; mainly because it wouldn’t matter that it MAKES NO SENSE. Hands-down, best thing about the film? It was TOTALLY Jesus-centric. For those who do not know – how deprived your childhood’s must have been! – C.S. Lewis was a total Christian NUT. Aslan doesn’t just come back to life y’all, he is RESURRECTED. So in Dawn Treader, evil is a pretty big deal and everyone runs about saying things like “to defeat evil, you’ve got to defeat the evil within” and “avoid temptation” and junk. Also, everyone waxes philosophical about sailing to the ‘edge’ of the world and just falling off (because apparently no one has ever attended a science class and learnt that the world is ROUND). Also, if anyone was ever in any doubt, Aslan IS Jesus. Example: LUCY: “So Aslan, are you going to come visit us in Cambridge and stuff?” ASLAN: “In your world, I have another name, you must learn to call me by it” or something. Derr. Because he’s JESUS. And Jesus RULES!

This is the EDGE OF THE WORLD apparently...

So the Jesus stuff was funny (I LURVE religious doctrines shoved down my throat), Ben Barnes’ extreme makeover has made him significantly more attractive (despite his half-ponytail coif) and, come on, Narnia is ALWAYS fun. Now, let us never speak of it again.

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Posted in: Movies