The Golden Globes Virtual Experience by Matilda Dixon-Smith

Posted on January 17, 2011

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*** Note: for the benefit of getting the full “virtual” experience, we have overloaded this post with links, pictures and video

Awards nights are one of my favourite things. Today was the 68th Annual Golden Globes (or Sunday night, American time). Since we have no television at our house, I had to make do with trawling the celebrity blogs and constantly refreshing the GG website to discover who won which award, and what they were wearing.

Three people who look scrummy: Jake Gyllenhaal,

Leighton Meester (the only one who does neutral tones with any integrity),

and Claire Danes.

The theme was green, ruffles and sequins. The weather, as everyone kept going on about, was hot. If you weren’t wearing green, ruffles or sequins – or quipping about the weather – you may as well have been INVISIBLE.

Well, unless you are Christina Hendricks (who looked like she dipped herself in a GIANT VAT OF RED).

RED. Lots of RED. Excellent.

I, like the Go Fug Yourself staff, am unnaturally obsessed with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s nomination for “Best Performance in a ‘Televisual’ Movie” alongside such people as Dame Judi Dench and Claire Danes (winner). First, “Televisual”? Okay. But more importantly, JLHew, why are you dressed like a tacky bride who’s hair was done by the inhabitants of Whoville? The ensemble is in such bad taste, (by the sound of things) much like her Lifetime movie The Client List, where she plays an accidental kind-touching prostitute. I must find and watch this movie immediately.

Oh JLHew. Oh dear.

Ricky Gervais, who was hosting again, pissed off all the ballsy celebs (Tom Hanks, Robert Downey Jr.) who began jibing about his douchebaggery when they presented their awards. Though, to be honest, these people don’t really look like they can take a joke. Pay particular attention to Steve Buscemi’s face in the clip below. Also, Johnny Depp – who has the look of a man who wants to take Gervais backstage and rough him up when the ceremony is over.

Tilda Swinton (as Will Kay, fellow contributor says, “goddess”) looks actually excellent and not weird in her ensemble tonight. I am digging it (though not her expression in this unfortunate picture). Man, those are some slick separates.

Tilda Swinton - great clothes, dodgy expression...

Darren Criss (‘Blaine’ from season 2 of Glee) is AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES. Anyone will tell you that I love Darren Criss. He is gorgey and I feel like HIS EYEBROWS MAKE LOVE TO ME every time he sings, but seriously, what is he doing at the Globes? He has been on, like, 5 episodes of Glee. Other than that, his fame extends to being a youtube sensation in A Very Potter Musical. Then again, Justin Beiber was invited. Wait – “invited”? How does it work, do you get an invite to the Globes? Or do you just rock up? Is Mischa Barton sitting at home, bawling into her banana-yellow pants about not being invited when everyone else was (and also about being generally irrelevant)?

Love you as I do, Darren Criss, I feel this "pink glasses" thing could get real old, real fast

I ended the night pretty upset (metaphorically, of course – since I’m lying on my couch at 4 pm in the afternoon, “the end of my night” is logging off the internet). Look. Just look at Christian Bale’s hair. What in GOSH-DANG-HELL’S NAME is that boy doing? What happened to you? Jeff Bridges is left-of-centre enough to pull of dangerously long, scraggly hair. You were Laurie in Little Women, for God’s sake! You are Batman!!! That hair is just not okay.

Don't you smile at me, you, you - CUT YOUR HAIR!!

Can I recommend owning a working television (instead of two non-working ones that sit, accumulating dust, in your living room)? The virtual GG’s experience was not nearly as fun as watching the whole thing in the background while you focus on something more important. I didn’t even get to see everyone from The Social Network thank Mark Zuckerberg WAY TOO MUCH (after telling the whole world via cinema that he is a bad man). Nope, instead, I had to read about it, like you’re doing now. Not nearly as exciting, is it?

Matilda Dixon-Smith is You’re Dripping Egg’s Editor-in-chief and co-creator. For more articles from Matilda, check out The 2011 Primetime Emmys Virtual Experience, “But I’m Confused. Women Aren’t Funny, Right?” or “Bridesmaids”, or “Burlesque” or “Cabaret 2: Rise of the Moulin Rouge Dancers”.

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