Classics: “The Wedding Planner” or “The Movie Y’all Never Should’ve Seen” by Matilda Dixon-Smith AND Will Kay

Posted on April 29, 2011

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Seriously yo, I have the worst taste in movies sometimes. I’ve always had this desire to see J.Lo bustin’ out some boot-ay in The Wedding Planner. Tonight, Will allowed to me indulge. We plucked it off the shelf at the video shop and, with a nudge from some Bowler’s Run shiraz, got some Wedding Planner into us.

I’m JFTB, I have a big ass, come watch me in a movie querida!

Mistake. So Mary Fiore (JennyFromTheBlock) is anally-retentive, and a wedding planner. She has no personal life (except for playing old people-games with old people) and carries crazy glue in her purse. One day, JFTB gets her shoe stuck in a man-hole in the middle of the street and won’t move even though a dumpster is careening over about to knock her ass down. Matthew McConaughey sees this all go down and jumps in to save her. Cue FALLING IN LOVE. But, ugh, PROBLEM, you guys, Matthew McConCon (Steve) is really “Eddie”, fiancée to Mary’s biggest new client, Fran. Awks. Also, JFTB is being stalked by Alex Karev (from Grey’s Anatomy) who’s pretending to be Italian for some reason. He has a boyhood dream to see her vagina (that’s not just Will being crass, that junk is actually referenced in the movie).

Look, I have nothing against a good romantic comedy. Will has nothing against a good romantic comedy. But this shit is just bad. Please, let us give you an example. SAMPLE DIALOGUE: Matthew McConCon Love Speech – “I barely know you, I don’t know your dad’s first name, or if you ever wore braces or contacts or glasses. I have no idea how you came to be a Wedding Planner Mary (super pause, while he breathes really heavily) but I know the curves of your face (vom), and I know every fleck of gold in your eyes (double vom), I know that night in the park was the best time I’ve ever had…please say something” (whispers the slack-jawed yokel)”. And JFTB’s response? Botox-sad-face. In fact, the title of this movie should really be “I’m JFTB. I’m a professional Sad Sally. Watch me fall in love with a hick.” She actually says “I’m a magnet for unavailable men, and I’m sick of it”. That’s because your roots are shit JFTB, fix that the hell up.

Sad Sally

Also Alex Karev, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? Are you embarrassed by this, at all? I hope you are; shame on you. This is like a really trashy porn movie for you.

Sriously, it’s him. We’re not even kidding.

Our favourite, FAVOURITE part of this movie is (director) Adam Shankman’s apparent lack of ability to be able to distinguish between Spanish and Italian. Don’t y’all be trying to pretend JFTB is ITALIAN?! Alex Karev is not broken-English speaking Italian Stud Massimo. You can’t go around calling a chick “Wedding Woman” just because she’s a minority, no matter how confused you are about her shady Italian/Spanish origins. “Gracias” is NOT Italian language! Get your European countries right Shankman, geez.

Ugh.

Will also particularly enjoyed the inclusion of the little-known 2001 “Scrabble Craze” in San Francisco. Old people love Scrabble. JFTB LOVES Scrabble. We especially enjoyed it when JFTB agreed to marry Massimo by spelling “O.K.” on the Scrabble board. Super romantic. (Spoiler alert: Soz, yo! but it’s okay, she marries McConCon in the end.) Also, Will would love to go all linguistics on yo ass with illocutionary and locutionary acts right now, but won’t.

Finally, I am hell-a sick of seeing peeps who can’t decide whether or not they want to get married until THE DAY OF THEIR WEDDING. People pay for this stuff guys. Y’all just make your DAMN DECISION before you get to the church, then people don’t have to stand around awkwardly, wanting cake but feeling bad about taking cake, wanting their toasters back. Fake brides and grooms are so selfish. (Will really wants to go to one of these weddings).

If we go any further, this will enter “tirade” territory. Let’s just agree that The Wedding Planner is a dreadful film. Agreed? Good. I mean, watch it for some laughs (including SAMPLE DIALOGUE: Matthew McConCon – “I’m Steve the doctor, and I’m in love with your daughter”. Niiice) Then erase it from your memory FOR EVER.

I suppose this is what the Easter holidays are for. That and Jesus.

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Posted in: Classics, Movies