“Something Borrowed” by Matilda Dixon-Smith

Posted on May 7, 2011

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DISCLAMER: This review is not kind. Apologies, yo.

I can’t even be bothered thinking of a ‘witty’ subtitle to accompany the above. This movie destroyed my soul.

I mean, the tag line! Ugh, seriously? How did I not know it would be this dreadful??

Let’s just jump right in, shall we? Come on over and meet Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin), sad lawyer from New York. It’s Rachel’s 30th birthday and her Bestie-Fo’-Life Darcy (Kate Hudson) has thrown her a party. Now, as Something Borrowed will tell you, you HATE Darcy. Darcy is BAD. Rachel = Good, Darcy = Bad. Rachel mopes around her lavish, expensive (totally fun-looking) party, lusting after Darcy’s fiancée Dex (Colin Egglesfield).

Back Story, Y’all: Rachel TOTALLY liked Dex first (about 6 years ago). I mean, they were both lawyers, and Dex SMILED at her. Love, obviously. But then MEAN Darcy came in and just STOLE him!!! I mean, what was Rachel to do? Fight for him? Stand up for herself? No, man, are you kidding? Pfft. Good girls just wait 6 years until their best friend and the love of their life are getting married. That’s when good girls strike.

Goodwin and Hudson playing Besties on Park Ave

So, of course MEAN, self-absorbed Darcy gets mega drunk at Rachel’s party and has to be taken home. Dex and Rachel end up having “just one more drink” together. SHOCK HORROR. It turns out Dex TOTALLY never knew Rachel had a crush on him! Evidently this completely justifies what happens next: Dex and Rachel make out in a cab and (presumably) have a lot of semi-drunken sex.

Love, duh.

So, now Rachel is in a dilemma, y’all. She TOTALLY LOVES Dex. Dex TOTALLY LOVES her. They look at each other, a lot. He smiles. She does something clutzy and lame (and wears daggy suits and exercise gear). But Dex can’t break up with Darcy – duh, obviously! I mean, it’s never explained why, but OBVIOUSLY he can’t end things with her. So Dex and Rachel have to sneak around having private love-moments on rooftops. Rachel is super torn. Wouldn’t you be? It doesn’t help that her best friend John Krasinski provides only snarky (yet admittedly hilarious and TRUE) comments and no actual help/advice.

Okay, CUTE.

This movie was NEVER going to work. You cannot sell adultery. They are wily though, these movie-makers. I mean, they try. First, they try and make Darcy the most unlikable character ever. She is self-absorbed, vapid, cruel, and clearly doesn’t love Dex. Then the whole movie takes a bath in a great big vat of “Back Story”. Just to prove that Rachel and Dex were really meant to be together, and that the only reason they aren’t is a cruel twist of fate and misunderstanding. Problem: Darcy isn’t even that unlikable. I’d much rather be mates with Darcy than with pathetic, snivelling Rachel. Also, I HATE Dex and Rachel. I mean, just look at Dex’s eyebrows. Ugh.

I’m not going to tell you who ends up with whom. The only fun in this movie is that you don’t actually know whether it’s going to end up how you expect, or in a totally different and random way. I think the producers knew that, and they just MONOPOLISED the shit out of it.

K-Hud.

The most upsetting bit is not even Emily Griffin’s (writer of the novel, Something Borrowed, on which this film is based) barely-veiled attempt at justifying nasty, sneaky behaviour with the reasoning: “BUT, we’re in love, yo. We can’t help ourselves. You know, because of all the love.” The worst thing about this is Rachel. Hannah Warnaar (fellow contributor) quipped that Rachel’s only characteristic is “lawyer”. In defence of this film, she’s slightly more rounded than that. But she may as well be “Rachel: Lawyer”. Rachel is pathetic, whiney, spineless and boring. It’s not even Ginnifer Goodwin’s fault. It’s the problem with so many rom-com’s these days: awful, neurotic, clumsy, semi-depressed “heroines” with no self-esteem and NO BALLS. If Rachel had some guts, this problem would’ve been solved 6 years ago. When Darcy sleazed onto Dex, and Dex just LET her, Rachel-With-Balls would’ve just turned around and been all: “Hands off my man, Kate Hudson! You’re my mate and this is shit behaviour. And Dex, you’re a dick. Clearly I like you, and you couldn’t care less, because you want a blonde floozy. Forget you!” Or whatever.

I’m sure there are people (or women – I mean, who am I kidding) out there who would enjoy this film. I am afraid I cannot sympathise with them. I mean, I’d rather have The Wedding Planner back, and y’all know how much I hated that. There hasn’t been a proper romantic comedy at the pictures in a while, so by all means have a gander at Something Borrowed.  I cannot promise, though, that you will leave in any way satisfied (except by how much of MEGA BABEJohn Krasinski is, even when sorely misdirected as he is here).

C’mon! CUTE!!!!!

It’s like really, really bad sex. The kind I imagine Dex and Rachel would have.

Have a squiz at the SUPER misleading and well-made trailer that made us see this dreadful film. 

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Posted in: Movies