“Look at my peeeeeenis!”—Tacey Decides if Babysitting is for You

Posted on September 17, 2011


They emerge out of their bedroom in five-minute intervals after conspiring together new strategies to tear me away from my laptop.

So far I’ve seen the tooth fairy, Batman, a mullet, a monster, a tooth fairy with a mullet, and a penis.

8:30 could not come soon enough. That sweet, sweet time in a babysitter’s life when she gets a little shut-the-fuck-up.

Does this look like a scene you want to get yourself into?

Babysitting is a real mixed bag. There are a lot of factors involved. How many kids are there? How big is their TV? How out-of-touch are the parents with how much babysitters get paid (if they look old and confused assure them its $30 an hour plus added tax per child).

There’s the babysitting holy grail: one angelic baby that’s asleep when you get there, complete Foxtel package, and some kind of tiny puppy.

Then there’s your most-liklies: Three-plus children smearing toothpaste on the walls, pouring cordial onto your laptop and screaming and bashing their heads into the walls until the police come and arrest you.

It’s also most likely that you will be paid absolute pennies that will not cover your dry-cleaning bills/Panadol needs/mental therapy, so I suggest making up the difference by eating their food. Now, don’t be shy, go for the good stuff – that’s the chocolate, the chips and good dinner leftovers – but the trick is to take small portions of a wide variety of items so your scavenging goes unnoticed. Plan B is, of course, blaming the children. Who are the parents gonna believe anyway, you or those lice-ridden ratbags? Mwahahahaha, yesssssss.

The Babysitters Club. Classic.

I recommend babysitting if one of these three factors apply to you:

1)      You’re a weirdo who has a lot of pent-up anger and unresolved issues and you find yelling at children very therapeutic

2)      You’re a crazy baby-obsessed weirdo who hasn’t successfully tricked your boyfriend into getting you pregnant yet even though you told him you’re on the pill and you want to get some practice-mothering in

3)      You’re a weirdo who for some reason finds children adorable

We’re looking for some babysitting horror stories to match Tacey’s infant-genital sighting. Readers, contribute your war tales below: 

Posted in: Opinion, Other