Quest for the Worst Movie Ever Made: Part 2 (This Time, It’s Biblical!) by Matilda Dixon-Smith

Posted on November 21, 2011

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Ever wondered what melding pornography and romantic-comedies would look like? No need to wonder anymore, readers, such a film exists for your viewing pleasure.

I’ve seen bad movies before, in fact, I’ve seen so many I’m compiling a list. Apparently I never knew what a “bad movie” was until I saw My First Wedding. I think you don’t believe me. You’re all “Oh Matilda, stop being so melodramatic. You’re just depressed because the last thing you reviewed was so good, so you had to go the other extreme.” Just read on, and allow me to blow your sceptical little minds.

Okay, let’s go. Vanessa (Rachel Leigh-Cook) has this MAJOR problem. She fantasises about every guy she sees. This is a problem because Vanessa is about to marry this Catholic dude, so lusting after strangers is a big NO-NO. She runs into the nearest Catholic church to confess, where she mistakes English carpenter Nick (Kenny Doughty) for a priest. She confesses her naughty, lustful sins to “Father” Nick and he decides to manipulate her by continuing to pretend to be a priest and offering her spiritual aid in stemming her lust. This is all so he can trick her into sleeping with him before her wedding. Duh, what a great idea!

No, I’m not making this up.

I know, right? You’re totally thinking PORNO. Carpenter dude dresses up as priest in order to nail Lust-Disorder Girl? PORNO. I was totally thinking that too, but then the romantic element comes in. Clearly, dim-witted Vanessa is SO irresistible that “Father” Nick can’t help but fall in love with her. As the jacket blurb jovially muses: “Problem is, she still thinks he’s a priest!” PROBLEM. Possibly an even more MAJOR PROBLEM than the whole “fantasising about having sex with strangers” thing. I don’t know, it’s hard to judge. Obviously, MEGA hijinks ensue, involving fake devil-possession, motorbike riding, and a 15-minute game of charades to guess one phrase.

Still think I’m making this up?? I kind of think I’m making it up and I’ve seen the film. There is so, so much wrong with My First Wedding. The only recognisable name in the whole movie is Rachel Leigh-Cook (She’s All That—how the mighty have fallen). The rest of the cast are, like, recently-downsized extras from a movie where all they had to do was stand at the back of a big crowd, or pretend to walk across the street. These people were not meant to be leads in a movie. The thing is, I don’t know if you can strictly call this a “movie”. For example, most rom-coms have a bouncy, recognisable pop soundtrack and a score by Christophe Beck. This film was clearly so crap that they were unable to acquire any music other than a dinky score based on Pachabel’s canon (yes), and a song called “Just A Little Love”. This song is literally the most annoying song in the history of music.

“Father” Nick, who is clearly supposed to be stud (they talk ALL THE TIME about how much sex he’s had), is not even hot. People, people, how am I supposed to enjoy a romantic comedy if the love interest is not a babe?

SEE!!!??!?!

Really, the worst part of the movie isn’t the appalling script, the 15 minute charades game, or the ugly romantic lead. It’s not even that we don’t know where the hell the film is set, which is weird (though, presumably, something so low-budget could only have been filmed in Canada).

The award for ‘Worst Aspect of this Movie Evah (!)’ goes to the notion that any girl on this planet would be stupid enough to not only believe that a carpenter who rides a motorbike is a Catholic priest, but that she would be dim and slutty enough to sleep with this man. Ugh. It’s not just vaguely sexist; it is Misogynist Universe up in here.

Ohh, how will I choose between these two extraordinarily unattractive young blades?

Still think I’m making all this up? Not even I’m that nuts. It’s on the list; it is SO on the list.

Rent My First Wedding to experience this filmic travesty with your own eyes and ears. Just be sure to be really drunk when you watch it, or the hilarity will dull to a deep depression that such a thing as this exists.

Matilda Dixon-Smith is  You’re Dripping Egg’s Editor-in-Chief and an expert on truly horrific movies (especially of the romantic-comedy variety). Have a gander at her review of Post Grad, the first entry in the ‘Quest for the Worst Movie Ever Made’.

 Got some ‘Quest’ suggestions for Matilda and the You’re Dripping Egg crew to watch and review? Comment below to send us on another journey: 

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Posted in: Movies