“Breaking Dawn” is the most frightening film I’ve seen this year by Avril Good

Posted on November 28, 2011

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I have a confession to make. I have read the Twilight series. That’s not the confession; I’ve heard enough people scathingly ridiculing the books in hip coffee shops on Brunswick Street to know that it’s okay to have read the first chapter or so. No, my confession is that I read the Twilight series, and I enjoyed it.

I can see you making your judging face from my computer screen. You’re asking yourself whether I am in fact 21, or just a thirteen-year-old who’s really good at putting on make-up. You’re doubting whether I’m an English major, and pondering whether or not I have a tattoo on my left ankle that says “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.” Let’s make this clear: I enjoyed Twilight the same way everyone else enjoys daytime soap operas, or Miley Cyrus’ new single, or wearing pyjamas all day. It’s that guilty enjoyment of  something that is strangely compelling, even in its complete awfulness.

Poster for "Breaking Dawn - Part 1". WHAT a saga, y'all.

Having read all four Twilight books and seen the first three films, I figured it wouldn’t be any more shameful to go and see “Breaking Dawn – Part 1”.  I was not expecting a lot. As a book, it sucked (pun intended) even more than the others. This is probably because the entire conflict of the series is “Will Bella Swan get to be with Edward Cullen?” so when she marries him at the beginning of the book, there’s little reason to keep reading.

Based on the book of the same name by Stephanie Meyer, the plot of Breaking Dawn – Part 1 is that Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), human, finally gets to marry the love of her life, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), vampire. He’s promised he’ll make her a vampire only if she marries him, but she’s going to have a nice human honeymoon. Unfortunately for her, she gets pregnant. This means a whole lot of complications involving a half-vampire, half-human foetus (which, to cut a long story short, is basically a baby trying to eat its way out of Bella’s stomach).

There’s half a sub-plot about how Bella’s best friend, Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), is a werewolf and is staging some sort of werewolf rebellion to try and protect Bella. There’s another sub-sub-plot about how the other werewolves are trying to kill Edward’s vampire family, but the pregnancy thing is the main focus.

Just a bit of tasteful raunchy bed-breaking vampire/human sex.

Whoever decided on splitting Breaking Dawn into two parts was obviously doing so purely for marketing reasons, because slowing the story down so that we get fifteen-minute montages of Edward and Bella leaping through waterfalls really does not help this film’s enjoyableness. However, you could almost forgive them for that. The reason that I am quite literally traumatised by this film has nothing to do with the weird scene where the werewolves talk to each other telepathically, or Jacob falling in love with someone seventeen years too young for him, or even the domestic violence-esque sex scene.

Is running in the rain a regular occupation for a pedophile?

No, it has to do with any time Stewart is on screen in the second half of the film. There is something innately disturbing about seeing a heavily pregnant woman looking that malnourished. Maybe it’s because we’re conditioned to believe that pregnancy is a healthy, wonderful time of a woman’s life, or maybe it’s because Stewart just can’t pull off nearly-anorexic-but-hot. Whatever the reason, the solution is apparently to give Bella blood to feed the nourishment-stealing baby in her womb. So we get to witness the delightful moment where Bella drinks blood out of a sippy cup and announces pleasantly, with blood staining her teeth, “Tastes good.” It says something about Stephanie Meyer’s representation of vampires that it is a human who performs the most horrifying vampiric act in the entire saga.

NO. Looking this foul is just NOT okay.

And then of course there’s the much talked about birthing scene. I really don’t think I can go back to that place long enough to review it properly. I nearly had to leave the cinema because I was scared I was going to throw up. There are reports in America of people having epileptic fits. The one thing I will say is that it’s the best advertisement for using a condom that I’ve ever seen.

I’m not a Twi-hard. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be having nightmares about Breaking Dawn – Part 1 for the rest of the year (thank God the year’s nearly over). Even so, I will still see Part 2 when it hits cinemas this time next year. Judge all you want.

“Breaking Dawn – Part 1” is in cinemas everywhere, now. Catch a session if you feel like seeing a baby rip its way out of a broad. 

Avril Good is a new contributor for You’re Dripping Egg. Avril felt mildly violated by Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 but how did you feel, readers? We’d love for you to comment below:

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Posted in: Movies