2012 Golden Globes Virtual Experience by Matilda Dixon-Smith

Posted on January 16, 2012

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Here we are, back again for another Awards Night Virtual Experience. This time, it’s the 69th Annual Golden Globes. Ah, the Globes, a poor man’s Academy Awards. I’ll let you in on a little secret, the Globes, maybe my fave. More relaxed than the Oscars (and thus, infinitely less dull), but without the tackiness of the Emmys; just a dirty great mix of television and film stars all forced to pretend it’s not awkward they’re receiving the same industry accolades. Perfect. Let’s do this, y’all.

Ricky Gervais. As if he wasn’t going to be asked back to host, after all that publicity from last year. HFPA love ‘controversial’ publicity. He’s just so smug, it’s revolting.

As usual, no one won who we didn’t expect to win, unless you count MATT LeBLANC. I am serious, y’all. He won an award for “Best Actor”. He is someone’s idea of a Best Actor. Ooookay, HFPA. Also, Maggie Smith was ROBBED on “Best Supporting Actress”. They gave Downton an award and not her – outrageous, she is phenomenal on that show. Also robbed, Amy Poehler for her work on Parks and Recreation – she does amazing things, and I’m tired of that show not getting the recognition it deserves!

Also, Meryl Streep swore in her speech, and it was funny:

Anyway, I’ll put a list of some of the winners at the bottom, but let’s get to what we all watch these things for: THE GOWNS!

So, jewel tones, huh. I guess it’s a sort of ‘wintery’ nod to colour-blocking brights, or something. Anyway, I must say I quite like it, even though a lot of these colours remind me of retro couch upholstery swatches. Let’s check some of these jewel-toned gowns out.

Michele Williams, for example, is wearing a set of velvet curtains. I mean, they’re nice curtains, and they’re sort of evocative of animal print, which is about as edgy as someone who wears beige daisies is going to get, but I don’t know that I like this dress exactly. I do think she’s wonderful, however (for example, she named her daughter Matilda, so she must be cool). I feel her headband is slightly superfluous; if I was her, I’d be letting that sleek Gatsby bob just speak for itself.

Ariel Winter, from Modern Family, in adorable amethyst.

Folks, how adorable is this girl? I always feel sorry for the young starlets at the more upscale Awards nights. It’s so hard to dress age-appropriate without looking like you’re someone’s junior bridesmaid. I may not like Dolce and Gabbana, strictly speaking, but this is super cute.

Sofia Vergara, in binding mermaid-y lapis lazuli. HOT.

Now this is depressing. Is there anything this lady can’t pull of with the utmost gusto? Props to the guurrl for her impeccable ability to dress her figure appropriately. I mean, this fits her perfectly. She is smokin’.

Ed. Note:…Now that I think about it, “New Year’s Eve”, she certainly didn’t pull that off perfectly. Then again, that movie was a sad disaster, so who can blame her?

Evan Rachel Wood, feathered inky emerald madness.

I feel like I like this, and before you yell at me, I know what you’re saying. IT HAS FEATHERS AT THE BOTTOM. I know, I know. I hate her styling, I always hate her styling (she looks butch and washed out here), but I like the feathers. Sue me.

Viola Davis, in a sort of rusty garnet frock. 

I don’t know if I really like the dress, but, holy MOTHER, she is a hot lady. That split’s a little “Oh, hey there sailors”, but if you had legs like her, at her age, why the heck wouldn’t you??

Kelly Osbourne, sporting my least-favourite hipster trend, grey hair.

Apparently Kelly Osbourne is some kind of expert on fashion (because she titters at Joan Rivers’ outrageous snarks on Fashion Police). Girl, why you got to wear that grey hair? You might think you’re pulling it off, but you ain’t pulling it off. Her dress is okay, I guess, if a little plain and ill-fitting. BUT THE HAIR, PEOPLE. Oh dear, poor old Kells.

Look, there were more jewel-toned frocks, but let’s just leave it there for now. That was fun, I liked the jewel dresses.

I certainly enjoyed them more than the everyone dress slightly off your skin tone trend from the Emmys last year. Speaking of which:

Katharine McPhee, in the world’s most obvious and snooze-y nude gown.

God, snore. Katharine McPhee is everywhere right now, and it’s taken me forever to realise why she is relevant (an ex-Idol contestant, McPhee is starring in NBC’s upcoming blatantly-trying-to-rob-some-success-from-the-“Glee”-phenomenon drama, Smash). You’d think, when no one knows who you are or why you’re here, you’d dress to impress. Or maybe not.

Also, I don’t care how many people try and tell me it’s a hot trend, mid-calf length gowns are ugly.

Chalize Theron, looking hot but Dull City in a peach-beige-cream gown.

I mean, come on, Charlize, babe, SNORE. The cut of the dress is interesting, I grant you, but I swear I can’t ever remember seeing Charlize in something other than neutral tones. She’s probably worn other things, but this is just so Classic Charlize I’m falling asleep at my keyboard. Cute side-sweep-with-headband, though.

I’m not sure Julie Bowen is exactly pulling off the Betty Draper look here–it might be a little too girlie for her. Props on the styling, that hair is exceptional, but the dress is a bit Victorian doll.

Kristen Wiig. ZZZZZZZ.

Look, she was never going to win anyway, but WHO would pick her wearing this? I forgot she was even standing there, had a little micro-sleep, and then wrote this. And I LOVED Bridesmaids.

I think my major problem with neutrals (other than the snooze-factor) is that I can’t tell any of them apart.

Moving on, let’s look at who was pulling it off:

Emma Stone, GOD, what do you say??

Oh Emma Stone, be my best friend!? Her wine-coloured Lanvin is divine, her sleek, smoky styling is vampy and fabulous, and she further proved that she is amazing by saying of her dress: “It has an eagle on it!” Yes it does Emma, you fucking fantastic girl.

Brangelina, cane and all.

You’ve got to hand it to these smug bastards, they know dapper.

Salma Hayek, rockin’ disco.

Guys, I like it. You know you do too.

TI-L-DA SW-IN-TON.

Pulling. It. Off.

Nicole Richie, looking very non-Nicole Richie.

See, Nicole? It’s okay to not dress like a hippy.

Sarah Michelle Gellar, going all Buffy on that Red Carpet.

Sarah Michelle “My daughter chose my dress” Gellar. The dress is rockin’, bold and dramatic. Totally Buffy couture.

Let’s be honest, it’s more fun to criticise. With this in mind, who was not pulling it off? 

PIPER PERABO. The way she looks, I feel like I have to yell her name.

Girl, you look NUTS right now.

Kate Winslet, we don’t need to know that you think you’re old.

I don’t know what to do about this unflattering disaster. I mean, bitch is attractive, just check out that pout. Why does she have to dress like she’s the same age as Helen Mirren (who by the way, always looks fabulous and never looks matronly, so there)? You’re still young, girl. Get yourself into something that makes you SMILE, for once.

Mila Kunis, Dull Universe.

Just because you’re not nominated for anything, and people aren’t asking you about smooching Natalie Portman any more, doesn’t mean you don’t have to try.

Oh dear, Jessica Biel could not be more irrelevant.

What’s the best way to draw attention to the fact that you’re not wearing your engagement ring at a highly-publicised event? Wear a gown so blah that all people can see is your suspiciously naked finger.

“Heeeeyyyy guuuurrrrlllll, what’cha doooooin?”

Not pulling it off, that’s what.

To be fair, it’s not so much the dress as that hideous (strangely fake-looking) hairdo she’s got going on. I do appreciate the tuxedo fingernails, but that’s it. No more praise for you, Zooey Deschanel.

Owen Wilson, put in some effort, bro.

Dude’s nominated for an award, and all he could come up with is this clunky, ill-fitting suit? I imagine getting nominated for a GG is something Zoolander-Owen Wilson would never have envisioned, but that’s just not an excuse y’all.

Lea Michele. THIS. GIRL.

No! No you don’t, girl. Don’t give me that look, because this tortured hot mess is just not okay. I wonder how often THIS Lea Michele walks up to a group of people and they all just walk away.

So, that’s what I think of the clothes. The clothes were good, I felt a little more upmarket watching the Globes than I usually do. Now we just sit and wait for the Oscars. Thanks for coming, Hollywood, you can all go home now!

The Winners

Film (Drama):

The Descendants

Film (Musical or Comedy):

The Artist

Actor (Drama):

George Clooney, The Descendants

Actor (Musical or Comedy):

Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Actress (Drama):

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady 

Actress (Musical or Comedy):

Michelle Williams, My Week With Marylin

Director:

Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Screenplay:

Woody Allen, Midnight In Paris 

Television Series (Drama):

Homeland 

Television Series (Musical or Comedy):

Modern Family 

Miniseries:

Downton Abbey 

Television Actor (Drama):

Kesley Grammer, Boss

Television Actor (Musical or Comedy):

Matt Le Blanc, Episodes (See, I was NOT lying!)

Television Actress (Drama):

Claire Danes, Homeland

Television Actress (Musical or Comedy):

Laura Dern, Enlightened

P.S. Here’s something I thought you’d like:

THE CLOONEY – Silver Fox!

Matilda Dixon-Smith is You’re Dripping Egg’s co-creator and editor-in-chief. Though she is not known for her couture style, she enjoys judging the couture style of others. For more of her Awards Night virtual experiences, check out The Primetime Emmys Virtual Experience, or the 2011 Golden Globes Virtual Experience.

Matilda just judged some gown-wearing bitches. What do you think, readers? COMMENTS, ahoy!

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