It’s a Screengrab! Glee’s Season 4 Christmas Episode

Posted on December 25, 2012

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Happy Christmas from Will and Matilda, your friendly YDE editors. Here’s your present!

We wanted to photorecap one Christmas special, and the second we saw Artie’s black and-white holiday-themed dream, we knew it just had to be Glee.

Let’s be real here, Glee is just a shell of its former self. We may be tied to it eternally (like signing a contact with the devil), but what’s happening in season four is a travesty to television writing.

So, with this in mind, let’s get into CampFest 2012.

Glee Title Screengrab

We adore Glee, making the special appearance of this episode Mohawk Disaster Mark Salling is straight-up abhorrent.  Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Christmas Karaoke Asylum, peeps.

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Right off the bat we know this is going to be another Sue Sylvester Momentary Redemption episode. For Glee to function, this needs to happen every five or six episodes.

So, Sue (Jane Lynch) is talking about Christmas to her journal. Oh, Glee, you can make jokes about oddly converging storylines in a TV Christmas special, but it don’t make your plot any more coherent.

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Glee thinks it can do Love Actually? Spoiler alert: this shit is worse than New Year’s Eve. Plus, it doesn’t even include the horrifying love story between Zac Efron and Michelle Pfeiffer.

Glee S04E10 SG3Instead, we get Artie (Kevin McHale).  For a hot minute (when we saw Artie’s bruised-up face) we thought that Glee was going to tackle domestic abuse…again…poorly. We were disturbed, because Kevin McHale ain’t no Coach Beiste (Dot Marie Jones).

It’s okay, folks, Artie just fell out his wheelchair in the snow. So Finn takes him to the sick bay to rest (and black-and-white dream)…

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Now, y’all know that any time Artie dreams it’s just a conceit to show us that McHale CAN DANCE (because playing a wheelchair-bound character means you never get to dance). Thank God for dream sequences. Without them, we would never know this:

Glee S04E10 SG11Welcome to Kevin McHale’s alternate “If Glee Never Existed” reality. I hope you brought your own racially insensitive poncho.

In the alternate reality, Mr Shue (Matt Morrison) is a drunk:

Glee S04E10 SG8Because of course. Also, BLAINE DOES NOT EXIST.

Glee S04E10 SG7SERIOUS SADFACE LINEMOUTH. Really, this is disturbing news. Glee without Darren Criss is 4x STROKEMOUTH.

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Irish Kid (one of the unqualified disasters from season one of The Glee Project) is back to help Artie fix Christmas…or Glee. Not totally sure what they”re fixing.

And Quinn Fabray is dead.

Glee S04E10 SG12Because in Artie’s Alternate-Reality Dream, bitches can’t pay Dianna Agron enough to be in more than one episode per season. Then Artie wakes up, and the true reality sinks in. They’re going to rip off It’s A Wonderful Life and Jimmy Stewart and his yelling AREN’T EVEN INVOLVED.

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Back in Real Life — in Brooklyn’s swankiest student loft — Kurt (Chris Colfer)  and Rachel (Lea Michele) are discussing their depressing grown-up holiday plans.

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When…GUESS WHO SHOWS UP? (Hint: It’s not Blaine)

Glee S04E10 SG15BURT HUMMEL…WITH A REAL CHRISTMAS TREE.

Mike O’Malley (much like Chris Colfer) is a gem on this show. Which is why it’s so depressing that the writers are determined to kill him. Last year, Burt Hummel had a heart attack. This year, it’s prostate cancer. LET BURT HUMMEL LIVE, DAMN IT.

Burt ‘n’ Kurt spend the evening drinking cocoa, swapping struggle stories and exchanging gifts. But Burt’s gift for Kurt is so big that Kurt has to go to Bryant Park to get it…

Glee S04E10 SG16

Glee S04E10 SG17Folks, it’s okay, IRL Blaine is still around being dashing. Also, cute or creepy that Burt got his son Holiday Boning for Christmas?

Kurt and Blaine do sexy flirty skating together to “White Christmas”. But lest we forget who Blaine really is:

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Big prediction of the episode: they tell us Burt Hummel is not dying from his prostate cancer, but just look at this shot of him creepin’ on Happy Kurt and Blaine and tell me he’s not dying, I dare you.

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And then this happened:

Glee S04E10 SG20LINEMOUTH.

LINE.

MOUTH.

Back at McKinley, new dim lovers Brit-Brit and Sam are preparing for the impending Mayan Apocalypse the best way they know how: with an apocalyptic WEDDING.

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Don’t worry, they didn’t really get married, because of No Mayan Online Churches, but they are going to live like there’s no tomorrow until 2014. Or something.

Elsewhere in the McKinley Loony Bin, Sue Sylvester does a classic Sue Sylvester Backwards-Grinch when she has to buy Newsboy Cap Marley’s large lunch lady mother a Secret Santa gift.

Glee S04E10 SG22Sue learns the true value of Christmas when she breaks and enters, and plies the Newsboy Cap family with MANY GIFTS INCLUDING MONEY. This is all in the service of remedying the terrible Newsboy Cap Has An Eating Disorder storyline. Here we are wondering how many more times Sue must learn the value of Christmas before it sticks.

Then it’s back to New York and Fake Drama School, where Kurt and Blaine are cute some more (especially when Blaine reveals he will try for Fake Drama School the next year).

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NEVER FORGET ELI. C. And never forget your plot-related mistakes, Ryan Murphy.

This nightmare ended with Newsboy Cap and her buddies gathering for a horrendous rendition of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”.

Glee S04E10 SG24Throughout this episode it becomes apparent that the writers don’t understand Love Actually AT ALL. The episode, rather than being a tangle of elegantly intertwined and fully realised vignettes, is simply a hodge-podge of unfinished skits. It’s all about as half-arsed as Glee gets.

Oh, and there was absolutely no good reason to have Artie sing “Feliz Navidad” in black-and-white Alternate Reality. Awesome.

The thing is, this show will never move forward unless it cuts the chord on the old characters, like Rachel, Finn and Mark Salling. They just keep finding these incredibly contrived ways to mash the Oldies with the Newbies, so much so that it’s rare to see Newsboy Cap, Ryder or Kitty sing a song solo. As it stands, we know virtually nothing about the Newbies (except for Newsboy Cap’s unfortunate penchant for hideous headgear). I’m sure, if they just let us get to know them, we would love them…or at least tolerate them.

Merry Christmas, y’all. See you back here next year.

By Matilda Dixon-Smith and Will Kay

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