“Neighbours” 2012: The Most Boring Review You’ll Ever Read by Bridie Mills

Posted on January 8, 2013


Another year of Neighbours has gone by and I’m left feeling empty again. Not because it’s over, but because it never really began. I’ve spent this year forcing myself to watch Neighbours. This year was even more boring than last year, and anyone who read my last review will know just how boring that is.

Let’s see … umm, I guess there’s been some infidelity, which is something Neighbours seems to deal with every season. Kyle made out with Kate for like, 2 seconds. That was it. Jade was pissed, but only for a short period of time, then things were great. Boring. The affair between Priya and the infamous Paul Robinson was sort of interesting when I was having a really boring week, but then I started doing things again and the affair became boring. Basically Priya messed up her perfect family and doting husband in order to sleep with the most one-dimensional character on Ramsay St. And I’ve got the inside scoop on a blossoming romance between new girl Georgia and Kyle, but, wait for it… Georgia has a boyfriend! So we can expect much of the same storylines next season. Blah blah. Oh, I’m still writing, are you still with me? Well, alright then.

Neighbours finally catching up with the rest of Australia.

I think in my last season review I wrote about how whitewashed Neighbours is. This season, like I predicted, the Kapoors have moved in to Ramsay St. Woah. Put down that vegemite sandwich. Kids, turn off the T.V. Oh wait, don’t worry about it, Neighbours is still completely anglocentric. The Kapoors only moved into Ramsay St. after a longer than usual trial period as guest characters, just to make sure everyone was well prepared for their moving in. So it’s been a fairly unobtrusive transition for the Ramsay St. residents and Neighbours viewers. And the Kapoors are so nice that it’s impossible to pick a fault. Ajay is such a good guy that I just want to let him spoon me to sleep and make me coconut pancakes (Priya and Ajay talking about coconut pancakes was the most exciting part of this season for me). Rani’s made plenty of friends. Priya had an affair with Paul, but it’s easy to forget about that because she’s pretty nice as well. So go back to eating your vegemite sandwich, it’s fine. I’m pretty sure Neighbours will ease off on the whole ‘diversity’ thing for a while anyway, now that there are 2 gay characters and an Indian family to break up all the anglo Aussie heteronormativity of Erinsborough.

The slick "Neighbours" title card!

The slick Neighbours title card!

Urgh, I can’t believe I’m still writing this. Anyone would think I hate Neighbours. No, I love it. I bloody love it. Which is why this season, and the one before it, hurt me so much. What happened to the days where there was at least one character killed off every season? Remember Toadie and Dee’s car falling off the edge of a cliff after their wedding? Remember? Unbelievably dramatic! If a soapie can’t be unbelievably dramatic, then it’s, it’s … real life, or at least a rom com, right? But Neighbours isn’t funny. It’s nothing. I feel nothing when I watch it. Alright, I guess this year ended with Sonya possibly dying during childbirth, and she is one of the most wholesome (though reformed) characters on Ramsay St, so it’d be great to see her go. But at the same time, why can’t Karl die? Why is Karl still alive? I know I’ve said this before, but why do Neighbours writers keep giving him new storylines? I mean, the current flirting going on between him and Carmel (Susan’s sister) right now is making me wish that Karl and Susan were back together and playing golf to spice up their marriage. But more than that I just. Wish. He. Was. Dead. He contributes nothing but terrible musicianship and annoying quips on the all too often occasion that he has something he feels is important to say. He is the most boring character on Ramsay St.

Ok, I guess this should be kind of a recap as well as a rant: Vanessa and Sonya were pregnant at the same time and fought over the same baby name; Rhys and perpetually down and out Lucas are still vying for the affections of a fed up Vanessa; Ajay and Karl’s band “The Right Prescription” still suck; Andrew and Tash may rekindle their romance, but it’s just like, whatever, I don’t care anymore; Chris and Aidan are gay and proud, yes, but dead boring; Rani and Harley almost went to a party in Frankston; Jade left to work in America; Summer’s finally planning to leave Erinsborough to study in Paris; there was a car crash, no one died but there were some boring injuries; Andrew has epilepsy, but he only came to accept it after getting all masculine and denying it to a boringly dangerous point and, umm… Harley’s gone back to Franga because he wasn’t wholesome enough for Ramsay St.

Are you still reading? Because I tuned out in that last paragraph. Was that the most boring review you’ve ever read? Don’t blame it on me, blame it on Neighbours. Let’s hope someone dies next year.

Bridie will be continuing her thirst for soapy drama throughout this year in a column on YDE about the ins and outs of the Neighbours world.