YDE’s 2013 Golden Globes Virtual Experience

Posted on January 14, 2013

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Y’all, it’s that time of year again. AWARDS TIME. And first up is the 70th Annual Golden Globes, known for being the awards ceremony that forces movie stars to interact with TV stars (and pretend to like it). Since Australia still hates poor people, and the GGs are still broadcast on Foxtel, we’ve once again resorted to live-streaming, trawling live-blogs and photo galleries (and staying glued to Vulture, whose comprehensive coverage of all things culture and amazing remains unparalleled, ❤ u, Vulture) to get the scoops. And there were so many scoops.

I know you’re excited, I’m excited. We’re all excited, of course, because two of the greatest ladies to ever be BFFs are hosting the awards this year.

Tina Fey, in a pretty okay black and white dress with that awkward mid-calf length I hate (but fabulous hair). Amy Poheler wearing a pretty okay, extremely bangin’ tuxedo-style suit and hot shoes. Well done, ladies.

Tina and Amy! You guys, I’m so excited because I’ve never seen these two do a bad job of anything. I just want them in my house, talking in Old Hollywood voices and eating snacks with me all the time. So let’s take a look at their opening duologue, and see how they fared:

Crushed it, just as we knew they would. I mean, THEY DID A BIT ON MANDY PATINKIN, for God’s sake. Their joke about James Franco being a wanker was amazing (because, let’s face it, unless he’s with adorable Dave Franco, he is), and their naughty James Cameron joke killed it. More than anything, we knew they’d be fabulous because they’re just up there, having fun, being awesome broads. Now, let’s guess how many people in the audience are playing Tina and Amy’s Globes Drinking Game.

CLOTHES. Mostly the reason we care about awards is because people put on outfits and we get to judge them. So, let’s talk about the trends at this year’s Globes.

First off the bat, a collection of spangly, semi-see-through dresses in boring colours:

Anne Hathaway, in pregnancy-rumour-encouraging Chanel.

Anne Hathaway is an international treasure, but I’m not sure about this Chanel. The rumour mill was churning out “GAW, IS SHE PREGGERS?” gossip today, and Hathaway responded with a suspiciously roomy bodice. I just wish her cleavage didn’t look so disturbingly constricted. On the two-piece dress thing, I’m caught between wishing it was one-piece, and understanding that if it was one-piece, it would be Snoozeville. But I adore the cut of the skirt. Now you understand my uncertainty.

Also, Annie won in her category (Best Supporting Actress in a Movie), which we are all jazzed about because her Fantine broke our collective hearts, but the really important news is that she mentioned The Princess of Genovia in her acceptance speech. It’s official, she is fabulous.

Jennifer Lopez in a figure skating outfit…JKS, she’s actually in Zuhair Murad.

God, NO. This is just a big Nude Nightmare. It looks like her body has been swallowed by inappropriate lace. She’s like a figure skater who lost her way to the ice rink. Chica, no, por favor.

Kerry Washington in Miu Miu.

This I’m actually fine with, if I pretend I can’t see that her slip only goes half-way down the length of her skirt. I think the beading is sort of groovy, and it’s very slinky and fabulous. It’s just the shoes. UGH, nude shoes are difficult to get right, and girlfriend looks like she picked these up at the Hideous Bridesmaid Shoe Outlet Store.

Connie Britton in Kaufman Franco.

Tami Taylor is wonderful—her hair is so bouncy it defies gravity—but she wears the same dress to every awards show. Just give the woman an award so she can go home and retire her spangly column dresses for life.

Amy Adams in Marchesa.

I’ll be honest, this just gives me a headache. Thanks to The Fug Girls, I have inherited this impatience with Marchesa gowns that unfortunately extends to this exhausting ensemble. It’s basically the same colour as her skin in this photo, but with all that pouffy at the bottom—I can’t deal. Like all Marchesa gowns, I just feel like this one is yelling at me. But yelling in blush, with tulle.

Kristen Bell in Jenny Packham.

I don’t really care for this dress, too me it seems a little precious. I mostly put this in so we could talk about how amazing Kristen Bell is. If you haven’t ever watched Veronica Mars, I feel sorry for you. She’s just so wonderful, and she’s pregnant, and she and Dax Shepherd won’t get married until California legalises gay marriage, and SLOTHS (Will and I have been waiting so long for an opportunity to include that video on the blog). I just adore her, even though House Of Lies suuuuuuuuucks (although I’m so glad Cheadle won for it, because he is great even though the show suuuuuuuuuucks).

Have you had enough of spangly dresses in boring colours? ME TOO! Cut it out, celebs!It’s okay, because the other trend of the evening was dresses in fabulous red/orange colours!

Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta.

Look, I love this. It’s fun, but it’s more grown up than what we’re used to from Deschanel (her and her damned “adorkable-ness”). The colour is stunning and I think it looks sort of divine with those pearls. I just wish every red carpet photo didn’t have her in this pose (I suppose it’s to show off her manicure, which is a film roll). Side-note: according to The Fug Girls’ live blog on Vulture, Deschanel had a wrangler there whose job was to twirl her ponytail. Ach.

Claire Danes (with Hugh Dancy) in Versace.

There are better photos of this dress, but I used this one because Hugh Dancy is, I mean, just look at the man. Her hair is rockin’ it, and the dress is a wonderful colour. I’m not sure about the beaded strip on her hip, but she’s pregnant and gorgeous and the dress drapes in the most fabulous way, so I guess I can forgive her for the beaded strip. I also wish that she’d picked a better shoe (those are oh-so hideous) to wear considering her dress has a slit.

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Haute Couture and Chopard.

J-Law won the Globe over Meryl Streep for Silver Linings Playbook! Yeeeah gurl. J-Law is officially one of YDE’s favourite people ever, so I’m stoked that she looks delightful in this Dior. The colour, ach, it is perfect. And the simple belt works, as does her cute up-do. Poor lamb, she has the flu, so whenever she talked she was snuffling away. And yet, she was still amazing (that link has bonus Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell being hilarious).

Here are some other things I liked:

Kate Hudson in Alexander McQueen.

I’ve come around to K-Hud following her hilarious and impressive turn as Cassie July on Glee. Girlfriend knows how to deliver a scathing insult to Lea Michele (something I think we all can appreciate). And we need to talk about how this Alexander McQueen gown is breathtaking.

Jessica Alba in Christian Dior.

Is Jessica Alba a waste of space? Yes. Is this dress delightful. Yes.

Here are some other things I hated:

Sienna Miller in Erdem.

Holy hideous dress, Batman. Let’s ignore the weird fact that Sienna here is even at the Globes (when did she last work?), because THIS. DRESS. I can’t, you guys, it’s too much. I have to retire to bed for a spell.

Guliana Rancic in WHO CARES BECAUSE IT’S DISGUSTING (or, Oriett Domenech).

Guliana, gurl, what are you doing? You’ve got to be on camera for, like, a long time. You know you can’t just show up in any old Edwardian Goth-inspired nightmare when you HOST THE RED CARPET, right?

Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton.

Ugh, of course this is Louis Vuitton (A.K.A. The world’s most irresponsible fashion). It’s not even worth wondering why such a stunning broad is wearing such a gross dress.

These, I’m not sure about (judging is hard, guys!): 

Lena Dunham in Zac Posen.

Lena Dunham wins points for the cool structure of the bodice and the interesting colour choice (would we call that eggplant, or plum?). She loses points for not styling her pixie cut nicely (rumple it up a bit or something, geez!), and for choosing yet another gown that does nothing for her body. I know, I know, chastising Dunham for making bad fit/figure choices in her outfits immediately makes you “Anti-Curves”, or whatever. I’m not anti-curves, I’m anti-that-dress, because it does nothing for her bottom half. And also, it looks like she’s coming straight from a Back To The Future-themed prom (you know, its an eighties/futuristic mash-up theme).

But congrats to her on winning Best Actress for Girls (I think she deserves to win something for being plucky and talented, but maybe not that particular award because, let’s face it, girlfriend ain’t no Amy Poheler).

Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein.

Again, props to Jessica Chastain here for a bold colour choice (aqua, sea foam?). But GOD, why did she do that to her hair? Her hair is fabulous  and the most wonderful colour, but tonight it looked like she was going bald. And the dress itself, to me it looked a little like her boobs had frumpy curtains tacked on them.

Olivia Munn in Giorgio Armani.

Yes, I’ll be honest, I am one of those people who is extremely on the fence about Olivia Munn. I don’t know what it is (jealousy, probably, because have you SEEN her?), but I’ll never be able to totally love her in anything. That sentiment extends to this dress. It’s kind of cool but, at the same time, something about it just pisses me off. Sigh, I don’t know. Thoughts?

And here are some bonus leg slits: 

Lea Michele in Ellie Saab.

This dress is actually so fetching, and THANK GOD it’s not Marchesa, but she’s got the leg slit going because of course. She looks a little scary and over-tanned and thin in this photo, though. You okay, gurl?

Eva Longoria in Pucci.

Girlfriend has mad slit. It’s divorced and fabulous-style slit.

Heidi Klum in Alexandre Vauthier.

Oh, Heidi, never change! As she herself would warn “One day you’re in, and the next, you’re out”. NEVER GO OUT.

Halle Berry in HOLY GOD GET IT AWAY FROM ME (or Versace).

I’m sorry, but I hate this so much. Is her left hip actually popping out of this patterned Versace scene from my nightmares??

Here are some men, looking fetching:

Robert Pattinson.

I know, I know. R-Patz. Blah blah blah–splerg. But he looks dashing!

Eddie Redmayne.

SWOON. I mean, his jacket is VELVET.

Jon Hamm.

Jon Hamm, everybody. I think my uterus just exploded.

So that’s it, y’all. We’ll put a list of the important wins below. I hope you enjoyed checking out attractive people in bonkers gowns as much as I did!

Finally, here is something that is important and necessary for everyone to see:

You’re welcome.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards Winners:

Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical – Les Miserables

Best Motion Picture, Drama – Argo 

Best Director, Motion Picture – Ben Affleck (Argo)

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama – Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln)

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama – Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty)

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy – Hugh Jackman (Les Mis)

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy – Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook)

Best Foreign Language Film – Amour (Austria)

Best Actor in a Supporting Role, Motion Picture – Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained)

Best Actress in a Supporting Role, Motion Picture – Anne Hathaway (Les Mis)

Best TV Series, Comedy or Musical – Girls

Best TV Series, Drama – Homeland

Best TV Movie or Miniseries – Game Change

Best Performance by an Actress in a TV Series, Drama – Claire Danes (Homeland)

Best Performance by an Actor in a TV Series, Drama – Damien Lewis (Homeland)

Best Performance by an Actress in a TV Series, Musical or Comedy – Lena Dunham (Girls)

Best Performance by an Actor in a TV Series, Muscial or Comedy – Don Cheadle (House Of Lies)

Matilda Dixon-Smith is You’re Dripping Egg’s editor-in-chief and Official Awards Ceremony Analyst. She enjoys judging other people’s fashion, then (perhaps somewhat conversely) wearing overalls in public. Here’s last year’s Globes coverage, and also the 2011 Globes coverage

Readers, What did you think of the 2013 Globes experience? Which dress was your fave? At which points did you vomit from too much leg slit exposure? Sound off in the comments:

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