The Oscars 2013: The World’s Collective Desire to Punch Seth MacFarlane in the Face

Posted on February 27, 2013

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So, the Oscars happened y’all. And it was SUCH a to-do, I had to wait two whole days to write about it. I don’t even know how I feel about the Oscars; it’s such a spectacle, but it’s so terminally dull every year. So this year—to skew young to people like me I guess—they brought Comedy’s Skidmark, Seth MacFarlane, in to host. I love Family Guy, I even watch American Dad (though not The Cleveland Show, NEVER The Cleveland Show). But man, I really hate Seth MacFarlane. Thank goodness, it seems the whole of Hollywood does too:


You guys, there are SO many stone faces in that audience. MacFarlane’s super-duper creative opening number, “We Saw Your Boobs”, is now the subject of debate: are we just not getting the joke, or is the song actually incredibly offensive? The correct answer here is B (obviously). Vulture broke down the response here, and made an incredibly cogent argument for exactly why the song was so problematic. To my mind, no matter how funny you might think it is to sing the word “boobs” 50 times, the fact is MacFarlane basically opens a ceremony that celebrates men succeeding over women by pointing out that women are still little more than sexual objects. Because even if you’re a 22-year-old Academy-Award-winner like Jennifer Lawrence, everyone’s just sitting around waiting for you to bust out your cans. Real classy, MacFarlane.

He could’ve written a song which included the MANY male asses that we see in big-ticket movies (Jake Gyllenhaal, or Brad Pitt, or Channing Tatum), but he didn’t. And the worst part about it is that anyone who doesn’t find it funny is accused of not having a sense of humour. It just perpetuates this idea that it’s okay to subjugate women in public—because it’s all in the name of “comedy”. At its best, the joke was lazy and not terribly humanised  at its worst, the joke was like a sad, desperate little raindrop in a shitstorm of undermining minorities. Ugh, you know? UGH.

Anyway, let’s not let him spoil our night! People got dressed up in really, really sparkly dresses for this! We talked about Sparkle in our Golden Globes post, sure, but this ceremony was like a sparkle apocalypse:

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Here’s something: Joaquin Phoenix hates being at the Oscars!

Joaquin Phoenix: struggling.

Then there were these INSANE big dresses. Like, big. BIG big. Here they are:

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Let’s take a break from the dresses and talk music. The Oscars is big on, like, weird musical numbers. This year it was a veritable BONANZA of weird (and, for the most part, strangely fabulous) musical numbers.

Perhaps you’d like to see the cast of Les Mis proving that they can sing live (or, at least, that most of them can sing live, and that the world was right about Russell Crowe)? My boyfriend Eddie Redmayne is still a stone-cold fox, but his voice is a touch Kermit-y. (You don’t know how much it killed me to say that.)

Or maybe you’d prefer Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron dancing so charmingly you’ll vomit from happiness?

Even Shirley Bassey was there! And she was just about the most impressive thing EVAH. 

So that was music. Other music happened, but that was the music that mattered (sorry,Catherine Zeta-Jones).

Do you want to see some really gorgeous men, being really gorgeous? ME TOO.

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We need to talk about Jennifer Lawrence. She is fantastic. She won the Oscar for Best Actress. And when she won, this happened. Yep, she fell over. It was a pretty stunning natural moment (something we’ve come to expect from J-Law). And then it got better, because when interviewers asked her stupid questions about the fall (and, interestingly enough considering the above rant about women and this ceremony, NOT about how she had just achieved something special and impressive by winning) she shut them down with her incredible wit and straightforwardness. If this woman is not your fantasy best friend, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you.

So that was the Oscars. And is it just me, or were all the dresses sort of fabulous? There was Shirley Bassey wailing, Ben Affleck cried, and we got to see this:

YOU’RE WELCOME.

See you next year, folks!

Matilda Dixon-Smith is You’re Dripping Egg’s editor-in-chief, and the Chief Virtual Awards Correspondent. She really, really loves sparkly gowns, and her TV column, Fantasise or Perish, happens every Monday. 

What was your favourite look, and which ones did you DESPISE? Or was it just Seth MacFarlane who was despicable to you? Tell us all about it in the comments

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