ALL of the 2013 Primetime Emmy Awards, whether you asked for them or not

Phew, I’m back, finally. Did you miss me? I brought you a present: The Emmys! I know they’re a little shabby, a little bit predictable — and sure, no one is more disappointed than I am that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler aren’t now hosting EVERYTHING EVER.  But Neil Patrick Harris will do . . . I guess.

So — this Emmys, um, happened? Is it just me or was this awards ceremony extremely uncomfortable — so many awkward moments! This time I actually watched the whole thing (largely on fast-forward) and so here are the things that I thought about the things that I saw/heard:

There was the obligatory unnecessary dance number (about unnecessary dance numbers, because META), which fortunately included Nathan Fillion being exceptional because HE CAN DO ANYTHING;  Breaking Bad was the talk of the night, and yet suspiciously did not win as many awards as you would expect (I’m looking at you, Jeff Daniels and Bobby Cannavale ); Carrie Underwood screamed a Beatles song at us; and if I hear about Modern Family going into syndication one more time I will just up and die.

Back to NPH. He hosted, in case you haven’t already seen him host enough shows this year (or heard enough quips about how NPH hosts a lot of awards shows), and his opening monologue was . . . very strange. What happened was they trotted out all the past hosts to steal NPH’s thunder as a ‘joke’, but what it really felt like was CBS declaring its complete lack of faith in his hosting ability. I’d feel worse, but he’ll probably be on another stage next month doing another schmulzy dance number and making more confusing jokes about being a gay man.

PLUS, TINA FEY AND AMY POEHLER — because GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. If you’ve watched that video, you’ll know by now that they rolled onto the stage. Goddesses.

There were some fun little presenting moments, I’ve taken the liberty of cataloguing them:

• the Deschanel sisters, wearing their matching silver-blue dresses, dug into the Academy for giving nominations to all the Modern Family men.
• Mindy Kaling clutched onto Steven Amell‘s arm (as would we all) and called him ‘Arrow’. And then Amell showed us all just how dim and incapable of performing rote banter he is, someone won’t be asked back for Emmys 2014.
• Will Arnett was ORANGE, so orange it was embarrassing (and prompted lots of Orange is the New Black jokes on Twitter) — I’m worried divorce is hitting him hard, you guys.
• Jimmy Kimmel and Sofia Vergara tied for ‘Best Rote Presenting Bit’ with Jon Hamm and Alec Baldwin. 
• THIS. HAPPENED.:

It’s not strictly a presenting moment, I don’t even know what it was — something amazing and absurd and I LOVED IT. I especially loved how the beginning of it was a bit from Guys and Dolls, because when does NPH ever miss a chance to chuck in a musical theatre reference? Never, is when.

Tiny rant about winners — there has been much commentary over the years about how bogus the Emmys are — often senseless and senselessly repetitive — and this year, with television being what it is (‘Golden Age Golden Age Golden Age’), everyone was keen to run the ‘It’s an honour just to be nominated’ line because, really, so many nominees were outrageously deserving of accolades. And then there was this:

Why does the Academy hate Parks and Recreation and Amy Poehler?? Parks is one of the most consistently enjoyable, unfaltering, well-written, impeccably acted, heartfelt comedies on television and Amy Poehler is actually life-altering brilliant as Leslie Knope. Where’s the love, y’all? Sure, Poehler scored a nom this year (no win — UGH for Veep) but Parks still hasn’t been put up for Oustanding Comedy Series, and when you consider that Modern Family has now won FOUR times and is one of the most lazy, uninspiring things on television right now, and that The Big Bang Theory is nominated and is — well — The Big Bang Theory, you have to wonder what Michael Shur and co. did to piss the Academy suits off.

Speaking of which WHY IS MODERN FAMILY STILL WINNING BEST OUTSTANDING COMEDY? I would be happy for almost any other show to win in that category (except BBT).  I stopped caring about Modern Family after Season 1, Episode 7, when I realised that nothing about it was inventive or exciting — and as far as I know every other television critic has stopped caring as well. So why is it winning awards in a ceremony which the Academy professes honours the shows (and the people behind them) that ‘push the boundaries’ of what’s possible on television? It’s time to cut the cord, guys, there is better stuff out there than this trashy garbage show.

Jeff Daniels, are you flipping serious??? I know we all adore Aaron Sorkin, but I cannot believe Daniels won for his portrayal of Will McAvoy on The Newsroom. There were far more deserving candidates — and, if nothing else, we have to give Hamm an award before he tops himself.

A happy one: YAY for Tony Hale winning an Emmy!! I don’t care for Veep, but I feel like his win was partly a spill-over of Buster Bluth good will. I mean, come on!!

Would a coward have these???

And so the Emmys went, they just went on and happened — and we’ve listed the winners at the bottom of the post.

Now, let’s get to the outfits (that’s what we’re all here for, right?):

This year is particularly exciting for me because I have access to Foxtel and the incomparable E! Red Carpet Coverage. I mean, you guys, Ryan Seacrest, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne and Ross Matthews filling time for two hours dialoguing about ‘Mani-cam, mani-cam, mani-cam’ and chasing stars down the carpet for interviews they are loathed to participate in? It truly is quality television. This year, they themed their telecast ‘We can do this all night‘, a phrase Seacrest mugged to the camera every ad break and now I can’t ever hear that song again. It was, to say the very least, an experience — and there was so much shade being thrown around that carpet I’m now wondering what other jaded backhanders I’ve been missing!

I’m going to go ahead and call ‘blue’ as a thing:

Tina Fey in Narciso Rodriguez.

My best friend’s best friend Tina Fey is completely slammin’ tonight — she’s really rocking that jazzed up ol’ Hollywood glamour. This sapphire blue is a swell colour and she says the dress was made for her. That’s why she is the boss of the television.

Red Carpet Shade: Ross Matthews and Kelly Osbourne were handing out metaphorical gold stars all night like the anointed King and Queen of couture (LOL THEY ARE NOT). Of Fey’s gown they said, ‘Good for her for wearing a colour.’ She’s TINA FEY, you guys, and also a grown-up lady — she doesn’t need your approval.

Allison Williams in Ralph Lauren.

Oh my goodness, OH MY GOODNESS. This is perfection. Allison Williams looks gorgeous in anything, but the cut of that dress and the simple, natural make up and her Made In Chelsea hair — stunning. If ‘sapphire’ is a thing, and that thing looks like this, I’m totally cool with that.

Jessica Pare in Oscar de la Renta.

I’m always a fan of a big, romantic gown from Oscar de la Renta — and this turquoise is beautiful. Plus, THE SHOES. And Jessica Pare just looks like she’s having so much fun because how could you not in a dress this lovely?!

Zooey Deschanel in J. Mandel with a FUCK OFF Chanel ring.

I appreciate that Zooey Deschanel is toning down the ‘adork-able’ thing, but this has a bit of an older bridesmaid in the bridal party look about it. I mean, baby blue? It’s just very . . . shiny. And the fabric looks so . . . stiff. I’m not sure about this at all, you guys.

WOWZA.

I do love her hair, though. And THAT RING IS CRAZY AND PROBABLY COSTS A GAJILLION DOLLARS.

Giuliana Rancic in Tadashi Shoji.

Giuliana Rancic, continuing her streak of dress styles that will filter down to Gasp in 12 months time. Love the bob (good hair all round for this show), though I did not love Ryan calling it ‘nuuuutela’ coloured.

In addition to the Blue-a-palooza, there was also a theme of ‘Fabrics You Might Find in Your House’:

Connie Britton in Naeem Khan.

So Connie Britton just wrapped herself in the carpet from her front hall and was all, ‘I got my Disney Princess hair, y’all, who cares?’ I’m going to be honest, I like it, but I’m not sure I should.

Julianna Margulies in Reed Krakoff.

Julianna Margulies thought this was a toga party, so she borrowed your K-Mart bedsheets.

January Jones in Givenchy.

January Jones is wearing those net curtains from the old-fashioned high tea shop you visited on your Dandenongs day trip.

Lena Dunham in UGH GET IT AWAY FROM ME (or Prada).

Ah, my Laura Ashley knock-off couch upholstery! Look, the concept, yeah, I get it, and I suppose sometimes Lena Dunham‘s fashion sense worries me because it’s scarily close to things I (in my wilder moments) enjoy wearing, but oh my goodness this is a hot mess. Lena, Lena you will not be in my best dressed lists until you start wearing clothes that fit you properly. Get yourself a tailor, gurl! Or the bra-fitting section at David Jones. The drag queen cray eyes are the icing on the fabulously messy cake.

Here are some other things:

Aubrey Plaza in MAKE IT STOP MAKE THE PAIN STOP (or Marios Schwab).

Holy heck, WHAT IS THIS??? I’m increasingly certain that, though Aubrey Plaza plays one of the best characters on Parks & Rec, she is a real nutjob IRL. I don’t even understand the jewel collar, and the detail on the chest looks like fancy suspenders, which is never something you should have on a dress, and all in all this nightmare jut reminds me of the curtains from 12 Grimmauld Place. (If you got that reference . . . )

Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang.

Surprise surprise, Sofia Vergara looks exactly the same as she always does. Seriously, I could have left out the photo and just written the words ‘Sofia Vergara in a red dress’ and this is exactly what you’d picture. Yes, she’s got a kickin’ bod, yes, she’s unaccountably charming — but come on, does it ALWAYS have to be a busty fishtail dress in a bold colour??

Claire Danes in Armani Privé.

Claire Danes will never not kick it — she is just so chic and gorgeous and . . . effervescent. I adore this faux-bob, and no one can pull of a bold lip like my Claire. And I know I say this every awards show, but even if she showed up in a garbage bag, she is married to Hugh Dancy so she already won, ladies, she beat you. (/he won, because look at her.) Plus, she called Dancy her ‘crush’ in her acceptance speech — amazing! 

Red Carpet Shade: It was the most stunning thing to behold when Claire Danes flat-out pushed Ryan Seacrest out of his interview with Lena Dunham so she could get in some quality lady time. What a surprising and exciting thing to know, that they are mates! It was simply adorable.

Allison Janney in David Meister Signature.

Killing it, amirite? Alison Janney is THE BEST.

Michelle Dockery in Prada.

Michelle Dockery chucked this voluminous skirt on over the red swimming costume from that Special K ad she was in. I’m not saying I don’t like it, I’m just saying that’s what it looks like.

Julie Bowen in Zac Posen.

Nope, no, this is twee and dull and I hate it. I’m just no longer interested in these blush dresses, I want them to go away.

Red Carpet Shade:  Ryan and Giuliana spent the whole night plugging the fact that Modern Family is going into syndication (does Ryan Seacrest own Modern Family too, my GOD!?) and when they quizzed Bowen on it she was all ‘I just don’t want people to get sick of us’ and we were all ‘Too late’. 

Mindy Kaling in Edition by Georges Chakra.

Mindy Kaling, I’m not impressed by your show (though you and Chris Messina continue to do compelling work together as a comedy team) but I AM impressed by this outfit. Could be slightly less tight (I will never be okay with seeing a woman’s belly button) but the eggplant is . . . respectable.

Elisabeth Moss in Andrew Gn.

Okay, I cannot deal with Elisabeth Moss’s hair. But aside from that girlfriend always looks sleek and chic, and this is another winner.  Plus, she brought her mum and it was adorable, folks.

Red Carpet Shade: Moss was borderline disgusted at Giuliana’s Miley Cyrus twerking joke: ‘I don’t even know what that is!’ She is a classy lady.

Heidi Klum in Atelier Versace.

Heidi Klum wore this cast-off from 2004’s Troy — and what’s more, she made it disco! Props for being courageous, there was very little of that tonight.

Red Carpet Shade: Heidi and Tim Gunn tossed it at Ryan for calling her dress ‘purple’ when it’s clearly ‘pomegranate’. He looked legitimately embarrassed, and oh, how we laughed.

Anna Gunn in Romona Keveza.

Look, I’m not sure if I actually like the two-tone, two-texture quality of the dress, but she looks GLAMAZON BALLIN’ AMAZING right now. What a stunning lady. And also, she won for her unparalleled brilliance on Breaking Bad as the inimitable Skyler White — so haters gon’ hate.

Let’s be real, I know nothing about good suit versus bad suit, but I know I like attractive gents so HERE ARE SOME MEN FOR YOU TO LOOK AT:

Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt.

The man who explodes my ovaries with a single crinkle of his eyes is here in a white suit and his ‘Fuck it, I’m not winning anyway’ beard. IT’S JON HAMM, HE COULD BE WEARING A TRACKSUIT AND HE’D STILL BE PERFECT.

WHO ARE YOU AND CAN I BORROW YOUR VEST?

I don’t even know who this is* but I do know that his vest is sincerely the most awesome thing on this planet. So fetch!

*Okay, okay, it’s Asher Monroe, of Zoey 101 fame.

Mandy Patinkin and his adorable pocket square.

PATINKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at the pocket square, folks. Just look at it. Also, does anyone else think Hamm is channelling the PATINKIN beard? The man is a god.

Zachary Quinto in Givenchy.

Zachary Quinto will never not freak me out (thanks Heroes, AHS: Asylum and Spock’s haircut) but is scary-sexy and he does look dashing in this Givenchy suit!

Hugh Dancy.

Sauve as heck with the understated black skinny tie and the little baby bouffant (Hugh Dancy I love you please take me as a Big Love-style second wife).

Elton John in HOLY HECK.

Well played, Sir.

Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul.

Yes. Yes forever.

So that’s about all I can squeeze out of the 2013 Emmys (i.e. a serious waste of 5 hours of my life). We’ll all be back together again when the REAL awards season rolls out (GGs, SAGs and Oscars, people). Tell us what you thought of the outfits, and the show itself, in the comments. Yes, you may use all-caps.

Also, here are two parting gifts — the best acceptance speech of the night, and a little something extra:

Give Merritt Wever all of the awards — at least this garbage telecast will be shorter.

‘So roll me further, bitch. ‘

Night, bitch!

The Winners:

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES | Breaking Bad

OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES | Modern Family

OUTSTANDING MINISERIES OR MOVIE | Behind The Candelabra

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY | Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie


WRITING, COMEDY SERIES | Tina Fey and Tracey Wigfield, 30 Rock, “Last Lunch”

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY | Tony Hale, Veep

ACTRESS IN A COMEDY | Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

ACTOR IN A COMEDY | Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR TV MOVIE | Laura Linney, The Big C

WRITING FOR A DRAMA SERIES | Henry Bromell, Homeland

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES | Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES | Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire

ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES | Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES | Melissa Leo, Louie

DIRECTING FOR A COMEDY SERIES | Gail Macuso, Modern Family

LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES | Claire Danes, Homeland

DIRECTING FOR A DRAMA SERIES | David Fincher, House of Cards

GUEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES | Bob Newhart, The Big Bang Theory

REALITY COMPETITION PROGRAM | The Voice

WRITING FOR A VARIETY SERIES | The Colbert Report

DIRECTING FOR A VARIETY SERIES | Don Roy King, Saturday Night Live

OUTSTANDING CHOREOGRAPHY | Derek Hough, Dancing With the Stars

VARIETY SERIES | The Colbert Report

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE | James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum

WRITING, MINISERIES, MOVIE OR DRAMATIC SPECIAL | Abi Morgan, The Hour

DIRECTING FOR A MINISERIES, MOVIE, OR DRAMATIC SPECIAL | Steven Soderbergh, Behind The Candelbra

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE | Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals

LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR A MOVIE | Michael Douglas, Behind The Candelabra

Matilda Dixon-Smith is You’re Dripping Egg’s recently absent editor-in-chief and Head Awards Correspondent. She enjoys hideous gowns, copious gifs and telling people their personal opinions about television are wrong. You can find more of her awards coverage here.

Tagged: Awards, Breaking Bad, E!, Matilda Dixon-Smith, Modern Family, Neil Patrick Harris, Red carpet, Ryan Seacrest, Television, The Emmys, U.S. Television

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